Of all the topics that can be discussed when speaking of marriage, sex is the one most controversial. Within American Christianity, you have two major extremes. On the one hand, you have the group that never speaks of it and leaves the subject veiled in mystery until the husband and wife share a bed for the first time on their honeymoon. On the other hand, you have the group that challenges husbands and wives to have sex for 30 days straight and speaks so loudly of it that it turns the whole thing into a satirical joke. Both of these extremes are wrong. So, before we speak practically about sex and what it has to do with marriage, I would like to take a few moments and see if we can't begin to move toward a healthy philosophy of sex.
From as early as the Old Testament, and no doubt long before that, writers have sought to put into writing the complexities of human sexuality. This is no easy task. From the Song of Solomon's poetic song found in the Christian Bible to the Kama Sutra in Sanskrit to the erotic literature of the modern West, sex is a much explored topic. But outside of the Kama Sutra and modern sexual counseling works, very little is said regarding a philosophy of sex. This is doubly true of Christianity.
But sex is one of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage. In fact, if you look at unhealthy marriages, one of the first things to cease, possibly even before communication, is sex. Once sex is removed, everything else seems to fall apart.
This is not to say that there aren't exceptions and this is not saying that sex is the most important aspect to a healthy marriage. But sex is important. Vitally so.
The most intimate that two people can be together is for one to be inside another. Deep friendships are built when two people have deep conversations about what is really going on inside. How much deeper does this go when two people actually, literally, physically enter one another? To lessen the impact that this has on two people is to not take sex seriously.
The film Brokeback Mountain gives a perfect illustration.
Enis and Jack are two sheep herders in a small town in the mountains. They are both given a job herding the same man's sheep for the summer months. As they converse and become friends, they run out of ways to express their deep friendship. This is further a challenge considering the era in which they live. In the late 1950's and early 1960's, it was not socially acceptable for two men to be intimate in any manner. In seemingly a last ditch effort to express their love for each other, they have sex and, when they seperate at the end of the summer, they are unable ever to forget each other. It ruins their marriages and ends in one of them being brutally murdered.
Sex truly is a powerful thing.
So what do we do with something so powerful? Do we do as some have done and never touch it? Or do we go the other way and talk about it with reckless abandon? The answer lies in the middle.
First, sex must be discussed, I believe, primarily within the context of marriage. I believe that God intends for humankind to be monogamus. After all, fornication is condemned many times over in the Bible. And I believe that God intends for sex to be saved for marriage.
That being said, I do not believe it sin for an engaged couple to make love prior to their ceremony. They are betrothed to each other, and if they are truly unable to wait, they are free to do as they believe right for them. Different relationships progress differently, and to force them all to fit into one ideal is simply unrealistic. But note what this means: once they have had sex, in God's eyes they are married, and they must live in the reality of the decision that they have made.
Secondly, just because sex is intended for marriage, that does not mean that we are to be silent about it in public settings. Sex is all around us. It sells. It shocks. It arouses. And all of this happens all around us. For the Church to be silent about sex is like ignoring a bleeding man in your living room: it is foolishness.
So, what is a good Christian philosophy of human sexuality? I will lay out what I believe it to be in bullet-point form:
- God intends for sex to be reserved for men and women who are betrothed to be married.
- This was God's design for sex. It was to be a way for humankind to more fully express His image in themselves as seperate yet one.
- Husbands and wives are to indulge each other sexually and not deny each other except by mutual agreement. Remember: husbands and wives are equal in their relationship. The Godlen rule applies in bed.
- Sex is indeed spiritual, as Eastern religions proclaim. It is not intended only for the making of babies, but also as a means of worshipping God.
Today, we have briefly looked at sex from a more philosophical perspective. But this is nearly impossible to do. Sex is a topic best explored practically, which is exactly what we will do next. As a pre-warning: the next post in this series contains explicit material and is intended for mature readers only.
Comments (3)
since every time I do I get called “mean.”
At the risk of once more becoming persona non grata, here I go again.
“First, sex must be discussed, I believe, primarily within
the context of marriage. I believe that God intends for humankind to be
monogamus. After all, fornication is condemned many times over in the
Bible. And I believe that God intends for sex to be saved for marriage.”
”That being said, I do not believe it sin for an engaged couple to make love
prior to their ceremony.”
You’ve got to be aware that you lay out the Bible position
that fornication is condemned “many times over in the Bible,” then in the very
next sentence state that it is not sin for an unmarried couple to engage in it. Kind of a mixed message isn’t it. Here’s the Biblical position, but if you can’t
deal with it or think it’s too restrictive, here’s an out.
Here’s the Biblical position. Sex outside of marriage is fornication, and
fornication is sin. Period. No escape clauses, no “yeabuts,” and it doesn’t
matter what the couple believes is right for them. “To force them all to fit into one ideal is
simply unrealistic.” Yes, God is famous for
setting unrealistic standards, but there it is.
If the couple lacks self discipline and cannot wait, in this
country, there isn’t any reason they have to. Most states will issue a marriage license the same
day it is applied for, and you can take it straight to any Justice of the Peace
or Pastor and get married the same day.
But let’s make one thing clear, if they engage in sex outside of
marriage, regardless of their betrothal status, in this country, they are not
married and therefore committing sin.
Now I know that there are many popular arguments for the “we’re
married in God’s eyes” argument. Problem
with this is that in this country, the civil authorities who God placed in
charge have laid down laws dealing with it, and unless you can show that they
are contrary to God’s Word in some way, you are obligated to obey them, since
those very authorities who made them were put into their positions by God. What constitutes a “legal” marriage ceremony
isn’t laid out in Scripture, just the rules concerning behavior in it. There is not biblically mandated marriage
ceremony. In some countries it might be
as simple as making the declaration “we are married.” That isn’t the case in America and
unless you’ve followed the laws concerning it, it doesn’t really matter how
deep your feelings. You aren’t married,
in man’s eyes or God’s.
But here is the danger in the position
you’ve adopted. Since the legal age for
marriage in many states, at least in my opinion, is ridiculously young, you are
basically opening it up for kids as young as fifteen or sixteen to decide they
are “betrothed” and free to engage in sex if they can’t wait. And when they start they might even be
serious. But what happens when they
mature a bit more, or the baby comes and the father decides he’s not ready for
parenthood (and probably isn’t in a position to support a wife and child
anyway), if they weren’t afraid of disobeying God’s “ideals” concerning sex and
marriage, what makes you think they’ll be more concerned about breaking His
commands about divorce.
Here’s God’s ideal.
Sex is intended for married couples, man and woman. If you lack self control or can’t wait,
marry. If you aren’t ready for that
step, then avoid circumstances which might lead to sin. Don’t be alone with your partner in a private
setting. Avoid circumstances which might
lead to loss of self control. Only meet
in public or with other couples present, or don't meet without a chaparone (a dated concept, but it works).
God’s standards are high, but not impossible to meet. It is simply a matter of what you love more. God’s Word, or that passing experience of yeehaw. What we need is to stop compromising in a
vain attempt to please both God and man, ‘cause you’re never going to be able
to do both..
@The_Underminer_Monologues - I appreciate your response, actually. I don't completely agree, but I don't disagree either, as seems to usually be the case. I do want to respond to a couple of points, though, for clarification's sake.
First, in an earlier post in the series, I'm not sure whether or not you read those, but there is a series of posts, I made it clear that to be considered married in America that one did have to at least go through the legal proceedings. That is why, when I said the comment about engaged couples, that I followed it by saying that they were married in God's eyes and had to live in the reality of that decision.
Second, in the same post about the legalities required, I also commented that the silent "verbum" was the common practice until the time of Calvin, at which time he was asked to establish some sort of ritual to accompany the registering of marriages. I didn't go into so much detail, but at that point, the understanding of marriage changed. The symbolism became more pronounced and marriage took on a more binding form.
Lastly, I would never suggest that 15 or 16 year olds get engaged or betrothed or anything of the sort. That is something that Joshua Harris, the author of a number of books on sexual purity within and outside of marriage, ran into after a conference he was doing on his first book. A couple of kids, no older than 13, came up to him and said they were "courting" rather than "dating." He had to kneel down to them and explain to them that changingthe word didn't change the relationship and that chances were they were not ready for what courtship implied. They walked away looking distraught, but I would say he did the right thing. Plus, why were 13 year old kids at a conference about engagement relationships in the first place?
The series I'm doing is directed mainly at some friends of mine who are getting married, and I am going to be officiating their wedding. I am unable to do proper pre-marital counseling due to the long distance, but we're trying something new. That's why I am not going into everything in as much detail as I might otherwise. On a more private board, myself and the two of them are discussing things in more detail. I just thought it would be interesting to publically share the posts and see what other people had to say on the matters.
Thanks again for responding. I look forward to some discussion on stuff (i know not too much on some things, though, cuz we both can become kinda poopy with each other at times).
I'm still not sure about the "married in God's eyes" statement, but the simple fact is this. In America, regardless of how the couple feels, until they have the license and have followed the "legalities," they are not married. To suggest otherwise and to indicate that they may then engage in fornication and it's ok, is to put it simply, misleading. In this country, in man's eye, and God's, since we are commanded to obey those in authority over us, if you haven't followed the legalities, simply put, you aren't married in anyone's eyes, God included.
The reason you gave, that the betrothed couple "can't (I believe the more accurate word would be "won't" or "don't want to") wait is a reason for the "married in God's eyes" excuse. It is, simply put, a license to sin, nothing else.
As far as my comment on 15 and sixteen years old, there are states where that is the legal age of consent and with parental permission, marriable. So my scenario is not outside the realm of possibility. I could easily see someone of this age reading what you wrote, and using it as an excuse to engage in premarital sex, and it being ok, since they are "engaged" and "can't wait." God does not give commands we aren't capable of obeying. It's time we stopped making excuses and out clauses for people who quite simply, for a lack of better word, simply don't like His commands and don't want to obey them.